A widow whose singular vice
Was to keep her late husband on ice
        Said, "It's been hard since I lost him --
        I'll never defrost him!
Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."

There was an old man of Duddee
Who came home as drunk as could be.
        He wound up the clock
        With the end of his cock,
And buggered his wife with the key.

A young Juliet of St. Louis
On a balcony stood acting screwy.
        Her Romeo climbed,
        But he wasn't well timed,
And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!

The genital area of Ann
Will accommodate any size man,
        From the wee that cause titters
        To the mighty twat-splitters
That cause screams peasants hear in Japan.

The Shah of the Empire of Persia
Lay for days in a sexual merger.
        When the nautch asked the Shah,
        "Won't you ever withdraw?"
He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."

Une jolie epousette a Tours
Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours.
        Mais le mari disait, "Non!
        De trop n'est pas bon!
Mon derriere exige du secours!"

There was a young lady of Spain
Who took down her pants on a train.
        There was a young porter
        Saw more than he orter,
And asked her to do it again.

There was a young man from East Wubley
Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
        Each quadruplicate shaft
        Had two balls hanging aft,
And the general effect was quite lovely.

There was a young man from Hong Kong
Who had a trifurcated prong:
        A small one for sucking,
        A large one for fucking,
And a 'boney' for beating a gong.

There was a young girl of Rangoon
Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
        "Well, it has been great fun,"
        She remarked when he'd done,
"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."

An architect fellow named Yoric
Could, when feeling euphoric,
        Display for selection
        Three kinds of erection --
Corinthian, ionic, and doric.

So here was this fellow of Strensall
Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
        Anemic, 'tis true,
        But an interesting screw,
Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.

There was a young lad from Siam,
Whose sexlife was caught in a jam.
        He loved them real small,
        'Cause they're funner to ball,
So he went out and bought him a lamb!

A young lass got married at Chester;
Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
        Said she, "You're in luck --
        'E's a stunning good fuck,
For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester."

A cowhand way out in Seattle
Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
        He said, "No, I can't fuck
        A lamb or a duck,
But golly! it just fits the cattle."

Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
Who said with a wink and a smile,
        "Sure, please stick it in,
        Be it thick be it thin,
But if's rough I won't do as a file."

There was a young lady named Twiss
Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
        For it tickled her bum
        And caused her to come
.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW

McCoy's a seducer galore,
And of virgins he has quite a score.
        He tells them, "My dear,
        You're the Final Frontier,
Where man never has gone before."

There was a young man of Ostend
Who let a girl play with his end.
        She took hold of Rover,
        And felt it all over,
And it did what she didn't intend.

A savvy young hooker named Gail
Got busted and lodged in the jail.
        But the jailer got hot,
        To be lodged in her twat,
And so Gail made the bail with her tail.

An octagenerian Jew
To his wife remained steadfastly true.
        This was not from compunction,
        But due to dysfunction
Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.

A joker who haunts Monticello
Is really a terrible fellow.
        In the midst of caresses
        He fills ladies dresses
With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.

There once was an old man from Esser,
Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
        It at last grew so small,
        He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a College Professor.

Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
Of all the girls that I've had,
        None gave me the thrill
        Of real rapture until
I learned how to be a tribade."

Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer
Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?"
        She declined and declined
        Till approached from behind...
When her summer turned out quite a bummer!

There was a young girl of Mobile,
Who hymen was made of chilled steel,
        To give her a thrill,
        Took a rotary drill,
Or a number nine emery wheel.

Fond of equestrians, Mabel
Looked for true love in the stable.
        But she found the studs,
        For her were all duds,
Now she's out with the leg of a table.

There once was a horny old bitch
With a motorized self-frigger which
        She would use with delight
        All day long and all night -
Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.

A daredevil skater named Lowe,
Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
        But is proudest of doing,
        Some incredible screwing,
Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!

There was a man from Mich.
Who used to wish and wich.
        That spring would come
        So he could bum
Around and go out fich.

There was a young man in Norway,
Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh,
        But the air was so frigid
        It froze his cock rigid,
And all he could come was frappe.

There was an old man of St. Bees,
Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
        When asked, "Does it hurt?"
        He relied, "No, it doesn't.
I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."

There was a young lady named Etta
Who was constantly seen in a swetta.
        Three reasons she had:
        To keep warm wasn't bad,
But the other two reasons were betta.

There was a gay countess of Bray,
And you may think it odd when I say,
        That in spite of high station,
        Rank and education,
She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.

There was a bluestocking in Florence
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
        Till a Spanish grandee,
        Got her off with his knee,
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.

There was a young lady from Munich
Who had an affair with a eunuch.
        At the height of their passion
        He dealt her a ration
And the product's first words where in arabic.

A cabin boy on an old clipper
Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
        He plugged up his ass
        With fragments of glass
And thus circumcised his old skipper.

There was a young lady of Gloucester,
Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
        She wasn't much hurt,
        But he dirtied her skirt,
So think of the anguish it cost her.

A very intelligent turtle
Found programming UNIX a hurdle
        The system, you see,
        Ran as slow as did he,
And that's not saying much for the turtle.

A nasty old drunk in Carmel
Thinks it funny to piss in the well.
        He says, "Some don't favor
        That unusual flavor,
But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!"

There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
        For even with Venus
        His recalcitrant penis
Would never do better than t
                           h
                           i
                           s
                           .

There was a young woman named Ells
Who was subject to curious spells
        When got up very oddly,
        She'd cry out things ungodly
by the palms in expensive hotels.

Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
        "You must seize it, and squeeze it,
        And tease it, and please it,
For Rome wasn't built in a day."

There was a young girl named McCall
Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
        But the size of her anus
        Was something quite heinous --
It could hold seven pricks and one ball.

There was a young lady named Nelly
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
        They could tickle her twat
        Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly.

A gifted young fellow from Sparta
Was widely renowned as a farta'.
        He could fart anything
        From "Of Thee I Sing,"
To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."

A young fellow discovered through Freud
That although of penis devoid,
        He could practice coitus
        By eating a foetus,
And his parents were quite overjoyed.

There was a young girl in Berlin
Who eked out a living through sin.
        She didn't mind fucking,
        But much preferred sucking,
And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.

There was a young dolly named Molly
Who thought that to frig was a folly.
        Said she, "Your pee-pee
        Means nothing to me,
But I'll do it just to be jolly."

There was a young girl from St. Cyr
Whose reflex reactions were queer.
        Her escort said, "Mable,
        Get up off the table;
That money's to pay for the beer."

Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool,
He'd been to a good public school,
        So he took down their britches
        And buggered those bitches
With his ten-inch episcopal tool.

Then up spoke a lady from Kew,
And said, as the Bishop withdrew,
        "The vicar is quicker
        And thicker and slicker,
And longer and stronger than you."
                -- Abuses of the Clergy

In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
        He chuckled with mirth,
        For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.

"Well, madam," the bishop declared,
While the vicar just mumbled and stared,
        "'Twere better, perhaps,
        In the crypt or the apse,
Because sex in the nave must be shared."

An artist who lived in Australia
Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
        The drawing was fine,
        The colour - divine,
The scent - ah, that was a failia.

A beautiful belle of Del Norte
Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty
        Because during the day
        She says: "Boys, keep away!"
But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.

To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
        She replied, "Why, you fool,
        With your limp little tool
It's like driving a nail with a fish!"

There was a young woman whose stammer
Was atrocious, and so was her grammar;
        But they were not improved
        When her husband was moved
To knock out her teeth with a hammer.

A structured programmer named Drew
Was intensely turned on by "goto".
        When he saw it in code
        He'd shoot off his load.
It's a good thing his shop used so few.

A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
        But another, more sane,
        Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.

Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware,
He announced as he folded with flair,
        "I had four of a kind,
        But those aces combined,
Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair."

There was a young plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
        She said, "Stop your plumbing,
        There's somebody coming"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."

There once was a girl so lovely,
Who wanted to make love in the bubbly,
        She strapped on her tanks,
        And started her pranks,
But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.

At a contest for farting in Butte
One lady's exertion was cute :
        It won the diploma
        For fetid aroma,
And three judges were felled by the brute.

There was a young fellow named dick
Who had a magnificent prick.
        It was shaped like a prism
        And shot so much gism
It made every cocksucker sick.

There was a young man of Lahore
Whose prick was one inch and no more.
        It was all right for key-holes
        And little girl's pee-holes,
But not worth a damn with a whore.

A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
        As quick as a glance
        He stripped off his pants,
But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.

A remarkable race are the Persians,
They have such peculiar diversions.
        They screw the whole day
        In the regular way,
And save up the nights for perversions.

Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse
By all of the lads in his class
        He said, with a yawn,
        "Now the novelty's gone
And it's only a pain in the ass."

There was a young lady named Ransom
Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
        When she cried out for more
        A voice from the floor
Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."

A widow who fancied a man some
Was diddled three times in a hansome.
        When she clamored for more
        Her young man became sore
And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."

A graduate student named Zac
Was said to be great in the sack.
        An inch of his boner
        Put girls in a coma
And two gave them epileptic attacks.

An ARPAnaut name of Corvette
Had a fetish involving the net.
        As he fondled his IMP
        His cock went from limp
To as hard as concrete which has set.

There was a young lad - name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
        His father said, "Durcan
        Stop jerkin' your gherkin
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.

A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
        But the good ones I've seen
        So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
        And loud was his mirth
        For on all of the earth
There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.

There was a young lady of Dee
Who went down to the river to pee.
        A man in a punt
        Put his hand on her cunt,
And God! how I wish it were me.

A broken-down harlot named Tupps
Was heard to confess in her cups:
        "The height of my folly
        Was fucking a collie --
But I got a nice price for the pups."

A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
        The result of this fuck
        Was a three titted duck,
A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.

Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs,
"The men like to spread my two legs,
        Then slip in between,
        If you know what I mean,
And leave me the white of their eggs."

There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose cock was so long that it bent
        To save himself trouble
        He put it in double
And instead of coming, he went.

A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
        Saw a man come along
        And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.

A maiden who travelled in France
Once got on a train, just by chance.
        The engineer fucked her,
        The conductor sucked her,
And the fireman came in his pants.

There was a young man of Natal
Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
        Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
        Said he, "You be buggered!
I like to fuck slow and I shall."

A joker who haunts Monticello
Is really a terrible fellow.
        In the midst of caresses
        He fills ladies dresses
With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.

There once was a Duchess of Beever
Who slept with her golden retriever.
        Said the potted old Duke :
        "Such tricks make me puke!
Were it not for her money, I'd leave her."

At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
Though of love we are never penurious.
        Thanks to vulcanized aids,
        Though we may die old maids,
At least we shall never die curious.

There was a fat lady of China
Who'd a really enormous vagina,
        And when she was dead
        They painted it red,
And used it for docking a liner.

A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
Whose overworked sex is all callous,
        Wore the foreskin away
        On uncircumcised Ray,
Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.

There was a young fellow named Cribbs
Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
        They were inches apart,
        And to suck it took art,
While to fuck it took forty-two trips.

There was a young man of Australia
Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
        He buggered a frog,
        Two mice and a dog,
And a bishop in fullest regalia.

A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
Preferred frigging to going to mass.
        Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
        Or any young cock,
For I cannot live up to your ass."

A studious professor named Nestor
Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.
        But she drained out his balls
        And skipped up the walls,
Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.

Though the invalid Saint of Brac
Lay all of his life on his back,
        His wife got her share,
        And the pilgrims now stare
At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.

Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
        "Try as hard as I can,
        I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with."

There was a young man of Lake Placid
Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
        When he wanted to sport
        He would have to resort
To injections of sulphuric acid.

An exotic young lady named Suki
Once danced in a troupe of kabuki
        When asked for a fuck
        She said, "Solly, no luck--
See here: looky looky, no nuki"

There once was a man from Sandem
Who was making his girl on a tandem.
        At the peak of the make
        She jammed on the brake
And scattered his semen at random.

There once was a fellow named Siegel
Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
        But the mettlesome bitch
        Turned and said with a twitch,
"It's fun, but you know it's illegal."

The acrobats - Tom and Louise-
Do an act in the nude on their knees.
        They crawl down the aisle
        While screwing dog-style,
As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."

While out on a date in his Fiat,
The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?"
        As he bent down to seek,
        She let out a shriek:
"That's not where it's likely to be at."

Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
        How they lift the frock
        And tickled the cock
Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?

A bisexual chap name of Lunt
Taught himself an unusual stunt.
	He could peel back his spout
	Turn the skin inside out
Like a glove, to be used as a cunt!

There was a young bride of Antigua
Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
        Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
        Why, you've only felt my twot,
My legs and my arse and my figua!"

Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
        They usually have virgins,
        And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.

A young lady who lived by the Usk
Subsisted each day on a rusk;
        She ate the first bite
        Before it was light,
And the last crumb sometime after dusk.

I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
        Now I know the perfection
        Of an ideal connection
Even if somewhat uncouth.

Back in the days of old Adam
The grass served as mattress for madam,
        And they spent the whole day
        On the sex that today
They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.

A fellow whose surname was Hunt
Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
        This versatile spout
        Could be turned inside out,
Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.

There was a young girl name McKnight
Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night.
        She came to in bed,
        With a split maidenhead--
That's the last time she ever was tight.

The Enterprise crew when off work
Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk.
        Uhura the Zulu
        Is shcked up with Sulu,
And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.

I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
        She said it was crude
        To be wooed in the nude--
I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her!

I once was annoyed by a queer
Who made his intentions quite clear.
        Said I, "I'm no prude,
        So don't think me rude,
But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."

There was a young fellow name Tucker
Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
        Said, "Don't bow out your lips
        Like an elephant's hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker."

There was a young woman called Pearl
Who quite resembled a churl;
        When she asked a young man named Tex
        Whether he would like to have sex,
"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?"

There was a young woman named Alice
Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
        She said, "I do this
        From a great need to piss,
And not from sectarian malice."

A couple was fishing near Clombe
When the maid began looking quite glum,
        And said, "Bother the fish!
        I'd rather coish!"
Which they did -- which was why they had come.

There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
        The dress caught on fire
        And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.

There once was a guardsman from Buckingham
Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em.
        But when I meet boys,
        God! how I enjoys
Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em."

There once was a young man named Lancelot
Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot
        For when he should pass
        A desirable lass
The front of his pants would advance a lot.

A rapist who reeked of cheap booze
Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes.
        She cried, "I suppose
        There's no time for my clothes,
But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!"

A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
        Said, "Heavens above!
        I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."

--== * ==--

Jack and Jill went up a hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.

Jack on Jill produced a thrill
When on the ground he got her,
Then went down and told the town
He tumbled Jill and gaffed her.

Jack to Jill thus did such ill
That Jill, to pay the rotter,
Told the town Jack's crown broke down
When he set out to shaft her.

Jack and Jill have split the bill
Since Jack led Jill to totter.
Half the town deals Jill a frown
And half greets Jack with laughter.

--== * ==--

Beneath this stone lies Murphy,
They buried him today,
He lived the life of Riley,
While Riley was away.

--== * ==--

Charlie was a chemist,
But Charlie is no more.
What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.

--== * ==--

Here's to the girl that's dressed in black,
She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack
She feels so fine and kisses so sweet
She makes things stand that have no feet.

--== * ==--

This land is my land, and only my land,
I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
This land is private property.
                -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie

Soojustamine, puistevill